"We are all a little sad, Right?"

I have just had the most difficult week emotionally that I have ever had in my 24 years of life!

I almost passed out at work indicating to those around to assume it was only a sugar crash. The next day, I was at the bank and it started happening again. Two days later another episode only this time I was driving, terrified, and almost in tears.

I was driving to work earlier this week as normal. I had a good breakfast before work and headed off. I was listening to one of the radio stations I always listen to & they had a particularly funny story on this morning. I was laughing and happy as I usually am. I felt fine physically, I did nothing but rest all weekend long. I am almost to work, less than 5 minutes away when out of nowhere..... I felt this pressure on my chest, not a pain, not sharp, a constant pressure almost as if someone were pushing on my chest on the inside. It was as if the space where my heart is, was shrinking, but my heart still beat faster and faster. Then my ears started ringing, but not loud like bells. The type of ringing that makes you feel as though you have lost your hearing temporarily. My ears rang startlingly, fading fast to a sudden silence. My hands got really clammy, I could have bathed in the moisture my hands were producing. Last, yet just as suddenly and simultaneously, the tunnel vision started. For a brief moment, that felt like an eternity, it was as if I was the only person around. I was so scared. I really thought that I was going to pass out right in my car in the middle of morning traffic.

This last weekend I read somewhere to tighten your leg and arm muscles for thirty seconds if you think you are going to pass out. This brings blood flow to the brain so that you don't pass out. Ironically, I had just read this article a few days prior to this incident occurring.

I did exactly that. I stiffened my legs and arms and counted to thirty. I was still feeling it. I blasted the AC and placed my water bottle to the back of my neck. This intense feeling of pressure, ringing, and fainting would not release it's strenuous grip on me. I freaked! I called my boyfriend and was almost in tears, asking him to meet me at the office to take me to the doctor.

I had spoken with another doctor the day before asking what the heck all of this passing out could be deriving from. The nurse informed me if I have another bout of tunnel vision, or passing out to go to the ER right away. So, when this happened again and more intensely, I knew that going to see a doctor was definitely the next move to make.

I was able to pull into the parking lot and wait for my boyfriend to arrive. While I was waiting I got this overwhelming feeling of nausea. I felt like I was going to be sick, but not the tummy ache kind of sick. The chest pressure that I was feeling was so intense I felt I was going to throw up mucus, thick congestive mucus or bile of some sort. I felt like my heart was going to give out.

I don't have any insurance, yet. (I haven't passed my 90 day probationary period), so going to the ER was out of the question. I went to an internal care physician, that is a friend of my boyfriend's. He was very hospitable to my needs. He squeezed me into his already full schedule and took care of me with true concentration for the reason of my visit.

Naturally, by the time we actually arrived to see the doctor everything had passed. I was very weak,but the episode had passed. I was terrified more than anything because there was nothing to justify why my body was going through this. I wore a heart monitor for 24 hours and got some blood work done.

The next day, I go into the doctor's office to return the heart monitor and get my results. I sit in the room wondering whether I am dying, experiencing mini heart attacks, or have some sort of blood sugar problem. The doctor walks in, "You are healthy," he says. "Kidney, and Liver look good." "There is no indicator that anything caused this other than stress. STRESS! He says whole heartily, " I really think that stress is the factor here. I will call you later with the heart results." Later in the afternoon, I receive a call from my doctor stating that the heart monitor did not show anything unusual. At the times when I was experiencing heart racing, it was during normal stressful periods. He made an appointment for me to meet with him so that he can take the time that is required to try to figure something out to help manage my stress.

I would say over the past 2-3 years I have been experiencing Nightly Panic Attacks. I hardly ever sleep through the night. I wake up with my heart racing and terrified for my life. Most of the time I don't remember. My boyfriend will tell me about it in the morning. I feel my heart racing about the time I am starting to fall asleep. I have always had stress in my life, who doesn't? I never thought that being so cold emotionally, and holding virtually everything inside would start to cause such extreme effects.

I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks and have no clue how to even begin to manage the stress level. I have had a rough life, but everyone has there own stories. I must admit to holding things from years and years ago inside. I always thought I could push all of those memories so far back they would never find there way back to my primary thoughts. I never imagined that things, emotions, memories, or feelings could come back with such force, yet masked with no true identity. Now, I have to pin point what, why, and when. Am I actually going to submerge myself into the true PROZAC NATION America has turned into. We all get a little sad sometimes, we all have problems, we all have life to deal with. I never thought that I would have to take anything to "Take the Edge Off." I always felt I was in control. CONTROL. That is my problem, at least one of them. So, now I am drunk with realization that I am a true and pure mess. That along with my blisters from where the heart monitor was hooked up, will be where my healing will start to manifest itself. This will be a long process I am sure.

I now begin my journey to coping with Stress, living with Anxiety and Panic Attacks. Maybe Post Traumatic Stress as well. Only time will tell, words will heal, and Meds will help take the edge off.